


Gallivanters

by dualitas



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 11:02:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1816243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dualitas/pseuds/dualitas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suigetsu, Hidan and Temari meet. They end up travelling together, going through various shenanigans. Crackfic. Series of chronological one-shots, ongoing. </p><p>Chap 5 up: Suigetsu, Hidan, Temari and Debt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Suigetsu meets Hidan

**Author's Note:**

> This story will only be updated when inspiration strikes. Or you can comment here with prompts and I'll see how to integrate them in the story. No guarantees, though.
> 
> Warning: Lots of swearing and some violence. Plus, I took plenty of liberties with the timeline of the manga just to stick these characters together. XD

They were Team Hebi.

They were fearless. They were powerful. They were S-class level, wanted by even the Akatsuki.

They were now trekking through a godforsaken forest, being bitten by mosquitoes.

It was right after Sasuke had healed from fighting Deidara and killing Manda. Naturally, with Sasuke's single-minded obsession with Itachi, they had gotten right back to hunting him down.

Suigetsu had no problems with that. Sasuke was insane, and insanely powerful. He was just glad all that insanity was directed towards Itachi.

What he  _did_ have a problem with, though, was this. Sasuke's complete lack of organisation and system when it came to scouting for someone. It got him bitten by nasty mosquitoes and leeches, damn it.

Not even turning random body parts into liquid helped.

"Damn it, Sasuke, when are we gonna reach your brother already?" whined Suigetsu, slapping his arm to hit yet  _another_ mosquito.

"We will get there when we get there," Sasuke replied in a low monotone. His eyes were glaring straight ahead, filled with zeal and insane single-mindedness. "It will be difficult to find him. Itachi is sneaky, Itachi is tricky, Itachi is devious, Itachi is-"

" _Okaay_..." interrupted Suigetsu exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. "I get it. Itachi is a sly bastard."

Sasuke nodded with satisfaction. He used his  _katana_ to slice through the tall leaves in front of him, narrowing his eyes even further.

"Suigetsu!" Karin screeched. She punched his face and he flew into a tree, letting out a  _splat._ Literally.

Karin breathed heavily in her anger as Suigetsu reformed himself with an angry grumble. "Stop questioning Sasuke-kun! He knows what we're doing! He always does..."

She trailed off in a lovesick sigh, and looked at Sasuke from the corner of her eye. She turned pink as she watched his muscles contort in his elegant movements, looking just like the regal prince from her dream the night before-

"What the  _fuck,_ Karin," snapped Suigetsu. He flicked his neck side to side, letting out a crack. Then he lifted a hand to rub it bad-temperedly. "Even  _you_ must hate this, you're getting uglier by the second."

"Suigetsu!" Karin screamed. She lifted a hand to punch him again. But before Suigetsu deflected her automatically, they were interrupted by another slicing sound made by Sasuke's  _katana._ It was immediately followed by a loud, strangled  _squawk._

"Sasuke!" exclaimed Suigetsu.

The  _squawk_ was followed by loud gushing sounds. Spurts of blood came splashing out, flicking against the greenery. Erratic flapping sounds resounded.

Then a headless chicken came running out into their clearing.

All of Team Hebi's members stared at it.

"Sasuke!" said Suigetsu again. He groaned. "You killed another animal again! This time completely by accident!"

Sasuke waved dismissively at him. "That's fine. We can eat this chicken for dinner tonight. Juugo." He turned to the boy, then jerked his head at the chicken. "Go grab it."

As though in response, the chicken flapped its wings in desperation. Suigetsu was sure it would have squawked if it still had a head.

"Um...sure..." said Juugo. He walked slowly towards the bird.

"Wait, wait," Suigetsu interrupted, while lifting both his hands. Juugo paused in his movements.

Suigetsu went on, "Normally, I would agree with you. We all love chicken, right?"

Everyone nodded. Suigetsu nodded vigorously with them.

"But this time..." Suigetsu turned to glare at his team leader. "Sasuke!"

Sasuke directed a nonchalant glare at him in response.

"Y-you!" Suigetsu pointed at him in frustration. "This is the  _second_ animal you've randomly killed! What the hell! Treat animals better, damn it!"

Sasuke scoffed. "The one who is a craftsman in the act of killing is lecturing me to be kind to animals. How ironic."

"That's not the point!" said Suigetsu exasperatedly. "The point is that Manda was one of your summons! And you treated him cruelly. This chicken here..." He gestured towards the bird.

It flapped its wings weakly, hopping about on the spot.

"...it only shows that you haven't learnt at  _all_ from what I told you before!" Suigetsu finished.

"I don't care," replied Sasuke flatly. "All you need to do is follow my lead. That's why you are part of Team Hebi. Stop lecturing me about such pointless things." He turned to Juugo and jerked his head at the bird again. "Go grab the chicken."

"You call us Team Hebi but you go ahead and kill our mascot," Suigetsu said sarcastically.

Sasuke said nothing in response. He merely turned around and started slicing at the grass in front of him. Juugo awkwardly scratched his neck, and moved towards the headless chicken.

A mosquito buzzed around Suigetsu's ear. He reached up to smack it, and his head turned into liquid for a second from the power of his slap.

Suigetsu let out another frustrated sigh, and began again, "Hey, Sasuke-"

_Slice._ Then he was interrupted by another  _squawk_ and more splashing sounds of blood. Suigetsu widened his eyes as yet  _another_ headless chicken ran into the clearing.

"What!" he exclaimed.

"How many chickens are there," Sasuke merely said monotonously. "Juugo." He turned to the boy again.

Juugo nodded and moved towards the other chicken. Drops of blood followed wherever he went.

Another mosquito buzzed around Suigetsu's ear. He slapped it, his head momentarily turning into liquid again. Frustration was building with him, it was rising within him, it was making him want to scream, it was starting to overflow like the liquid that his body could turn into-

"Okay, you know what, Sasuke!" shouted Suigetsu at last.

Everyone turned to look at him. Karin immediately frowned at his outburst.

"I've just-" he let out an incoherent scream of frustration. More mosquitoes were buzzing around him. He flailed his arms wildly, smacking himself everywhere. Several of his body parts turned into liquid. He felt like something, probably a leech, was sucking his butt.

"I've had enough!" he bellowed. "You have absolutely no idea what you're doing!" He pointed a shaking finger at Sasuke. "We've been trekking through this...this..." he kicked around the grass, "...this fucking godforsaken forest for hours now, and you haven't shown any signs of scouting ability!"

He let out another muffled curse. "All you've done so far, is gather all of us crazy people together, kill a snake, and kill those two chickens!"

He gestured at Juugo. Both the chickens in his arms flapped weakly, and Juugo tried to make himself look small.

"I've had enough!" said Suigetsu again. "Enough of your insanity and lack of scouting ability and your animal cruelty!"

He turned around and started stomping away. "I'm leaving! I don't owe you nothing! Don't come looking for me! See ya never, suckers!"

The stomping sounds faded away as Suigetsu went deeper and deeper into the forest away from the other three members of Team Hebi. They merely stared at him as he left, watching the grass part in his angry movements.

Then Karin and Juugo turned to look at Sasuke.

He was glaring at the direction where Suigetsu left. After a few seconds, he merely turned away, and started slicing through the grass again.

"Just leave him be," he said calmly, as he swung his  _katana._ "If we see him again, we'll kill him. Right now, it is more important for us to look for Itachi." His eyes narrowed as he spoke That Man's name.

Juugo shrugged while Karin nodded eagerly in agreement. They trudged after Sasuke as he sliced through more tall grass.

"At least there's more chicken for us tonight," muttered Juugo.

* * *

"Yet another chicken, how many animals will he kill already…" Suigetsu was muttering to himself as he trudged through the forest.

It had already been more than two hours since he left Team Hebi. Suigetsu had secretly thought they were going to come after him and kill him. But after flailing his giant sword madly for over an hour and yelling out battle cries, he conceded they were never going after him.

"Good!" said Suigetsu. He scowled. "I hate them!"

The only response he received was the sound of more buzzing mosquitoes. One of them flew near his butt.

He smacked his butt immediately. The mosquito died, but he felt a disgusting squishiness. "That leech!"

Suigetsu swore. He knew it was just going to bulge grotesquely from having sucked so much of his blood. He had to get it out.

He placed his fingers around the band of his pants. Then he cast a glance around the clearing he was standing in. Good, he thought. No one around. Wouldn't wanna flash my ass to anyone.

Slowly, he started pulling his pants down. Right before he could even reach his butt however, he was suddenly interrupted by a string of swear words.

"Fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything! And fuck Kakuzu most of all! Lord Jashin will smite all of you fucking heathens..."

He quickly released his pants, and pulled out his sword, turning to face the intruder.

A few seconds of silence passed. Then someone suddenly barrelled into him, knocking all the breath out of him.

He swore. "Shi-"

"Fuc-" The stranger said at the same time.

Out of reflex, Suigetsu slashed his giant sword. The stranger leapt back at his movement, but Suigetsu still managed to slash a deep gash in his chest.

Blood spurted out of the gash, spraying both of them.

The red fountain continued spraying them for a few seconds until the stranger had the sense to take off the black cloak he was wearing and plug the gash.

Suigetsu gaped. The man had been  _shirtless._

As he pressed the cloak over his wound, he looked up to glare at Suigetsu. "The fuck's wrong with you! If you sway a giant sword like that, it's sure as fuck's gonna slash random passersby!"

Suigetsu continued gaping at him for a few seconds before closing his mouth. He scowled at the man.

"You're the one who slammed into me, bastard!"

The man flipped him off. "This is a fucking forest! Free reign for anyone to run anywhere!"

"I can't deal with you!" shouted Suigetsu back at him, scrunching up his eyes. "I've just abandoned my team and am all alone now!"

"I've just abandoned  _my_ partner and I'm pretty sure my group's gonna fucking come after me!" The man retorted.

"I've been bitten by so many mosquitoes!"

"So have I! And let me tell you, even Lord Jashin's mercy won't stop the fucking itches."

"I've been sprayed by chicken blood, then your blood!"

The man gestured at his chest. "My chest is split in two, asshole."

Suigetsu curled his hands into fists and took a deep breath. Then he said, "A leech is sucking on my ass!"

A silence fell between them.

Blood was dripping from the cloak the man was holding, but he ignored it. He was staring at Suigetsu.

"...seriously? That's fucking rough."

"I know." Suigetsu sighed. Then he noticed that the cloak the man was holding had red cloud patterns. His eyes widened, then narrowed. He lifted his sword and extended it towards the man threateningly.

"Akatsuki," he growled. "Bastard. You coming to kill me?"

The man blinked at his sudden aggression, then frowned. "Moron, didn't I  _just_  tell you? I've abandoned them. Not fucking worth it being part of an S-class crime organisation, seriously."

Suigetsu blinked. His paranoia died down, and he lowered his sword.

The man dropped the cloak onto the ground and cricked his neck nonchalantly. "Even if they do let me kill all the people I want for my sacrifices."

"Sounds nice…" said Suigetsu dreamily.

"I can do it on my own," said the man, shrugging. "Don't need to be part of a fucking heathen organisation. Anyway. About that leech on your ass."

Suigetsu frowned at him. "What about it?"

"I think I have a solution."

"Oh yeah?"

"Leeches are afraid of fire. And...I wanna get rid of this fucking thing, seriously." The man kicked the cloak on the ground.

"...so?"

The man sighed exasperatedly. "Soo…why don't you just lower your ass onto the fire I'm gonna make out of this cloak?"

Suigetsu looked suspiciously at the man for a moment. The man wasn't paying any attention, though. His eyes were starting to light up with childish excitement at the thought of burning the cloak.

"...fine."

* * *

_A short while later._

" _Fuck_! My  _ass_! It nearly got burnt, damn it!"

Suigetsu hopped about on the spot, clutching his butt. He turned it into liquid for a moment, and immediately felt relief wash over him. He turned to scowl at the man. The man was in tears, howling with laughter on the ground while kicking his legs.

"You-" The man gasped between breaths. "Should have seen-"

He released even more howls of laughter. "Your face!" He leant forward, clutching his stomach and convulsing uncontrollably.

"Shut up," snarled Suigetsu. He walked over to the man still crouched on the ground. The man was still unable to stand up due to peals of laughter.

"Hey, can you check if the leech is still there?" Suigetsu held the band of his pants, about to pull it down.

The man stopped laughing immediately. He backed away from Suigetsu, crawling backwards like a crab. " _Shit,_ no! Piss off! I'm not gonna fucking look at your ass!"

Suigetsu pouted slightly, then poked his butt experimentally. He couldn't feel any squishiness anymore. The lack of it made him cheer up immeasurably. He turned to grin at the man.

"I think it's gone! Thanks, man!"

The man had been scowling as he sat on the ground. At Suigetsu's words, his frown disappeared. He shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah. Don't worry about it, seriously."

He stood up, and stretched his body. Then he quirked a grin. "I got the best laugh I hadn't had for a fucking  _long_ time. So we're even." He turned around, and started to walk away.

"Hey, wait!" Suigetsu ran up to follow him. "Where're you heading?"

"I dunno," the man said. "Anywhere. Got nothing to do now that I've quit Akatsuki, seriously."

"Let's just travel around together then," said Suigetsu quickly. "I don't have anything to do either, now that I've quit Hebi."

The man shot a strange look at Suigetsu. "I don't fucking care if you're with me. You're a moron who got his ass bitten by a leech."

Suigetsu immediately frowned.

"Just make sure you stay out of my way when I'm praying and doing the Lord's work," the man said in a mutter.

The moment he heard that, Suigetsu broke into a smile again. He quickened his pace to walk by the man's side. "What's your name? I'm Suigetsu."

"Hidan."

They continued walking on in silence. After a while, Suigetsu started irritatedly hitting himself to get rid of mosquitoes. Hidan was doing the same.

Then Hidan started doing it even more than Suigetsu. He kept doing it for several minutes until his whole torso looked slightly pink, and was marked by a few dead mosquitoes. He turned to look at Suigetsu.

"...Shit. I didn't think through my decision to burn the fucking cloak, seriously."


	2. Suigetsu and Hidan meet Temari

Inaho Village was surprisingly lively for such a small village. The streets were brightly lit and the night market was bustling with the sounds of street vendors yelling – "Get your grilled squids over here!" – and the agitated back-and-forths of haggling. Smells of food, and smoke, and sweet snacks wafted into the air, intermingling together like a delectable tornado.

Too bad for two particular missing nin, who didn't have a single  _ryou_  between them.

A loud stomach grumble sounded.

"God damn it, I'm huungry!" Suigetsu whined. He kicked the dirt road he was currently sitting on in frustration.

Another stomach grumble resounded.

"So am I!" Hidan snarled. Next to Suigetsu, he kicked the road as well. A plume of dust came up like a mushroom cloud between them.

Suigetsu gave a side glare to Hidan. "You know, I thought an Akatsuki member was supposed to be loaded."

"Not me." Hidan snorted. "Seriously, Kakuzu definitely made sure of  _that._ He's one guy who definitely has a one-way ticket to a giant ass-flogging by Lord Jashin. Every single fucking  _ryou_ we got went to him for 'safekeeping'. No idea what he did with it."

He scowled. "He could have spent them all for fucking whores and all of us would have no idea about it, seriously."

Suigetsu turned to Hidan with wide eyes. "Didn't the Akatsuki live in a giant black castle surrounded by vultures?"

Hidan stared at him.

"What the fuck, Suigetsu. We're not some pansy-ass fairytale villain." He shook his head, then went on, "No, we lived in a tiny wooden hut. And we all slept in the same fucking room together, every single night."

" _Seriously?"_

"Seriously." Hidan nodded. Then he scowled again. "I was stuck between Zetsu and Deidara. Zetsu's damn plant things poked me all the time. And Deidara fucking  _talks_ in his sleep."

Suigetsu shook his head sympathetically.

"What about you, then?" said Hidan. "You had Uchiha fucking Sasuke on your team. The only heir to the Uchiha fortune.  _You_ should have some money, damn it."

"Sasuke is the single-most, stingiest bastard you could ever meet," Suigetsu announced.

"Nope, that title belongs to Kakuzu, seriously," replied Hidan at once.

"No, it's Sasuke," said Suigetsu, shaking his head. "All we did was sleep in abandoned shacks or somewhere in the forest. Even though I _know_ he definitely carried around sacks of money."

"How do you know?"

Suigetsu looked around, then leaned in conspiratorially. "One time, when he thought everyone was asleep, I saw him pull out  _twenty_ pouches. Then he started pulling out coins and  _counting_ them. It was only  _after_  he was finished,  _then_  he stuffed them back into that perpetually-open broken yukata of his, and he went back to sleep."

Hidan stared at Suigetsu. "Sasuke is bat-shit insane," he stated plainly.

Suigetsu nodded. "You have  _no_ idea."

"I can't fucking believe I'm saying this...but I'm seriously happy Akatsuki had gotten the brother who murdered more than three hundred of his family instead."

"I would be happier with him too," concurred Suigetsu.

They both fell silent contemplating the various insanities of Uchiha Sasuke.

Then both their stomachs grumbled. They scowled in unison.

"Well, Sasuke being insane doesn't change the fact that we're hungry," said Suigetsu with a sigh. He glared at Hidan. "At least you're immortal. The hunger won't kill you. Unlike me...I need food to constantly rehydrate myself or else I'll dry out– where are you going?"

Hidan had stood up and had started walking towards a stall selling spare ribs. "I'm going to get some fucking food, dumbass," he replied without looking back. "Just because I'm immortal doesn't change the fact that hunger is shitty."

"Yeah, but we don't have any money…" Suigetsu scrambled to get up and follow Hidan.

"So? You were formerly with Orochifuckingmaru, and I was from the Akafuckingtsuki. No money isn't going to stop me from getting spare ribs, seriously."

A short moment later, a loud scream was heard. After that, more screams. Then a crowd of people started running out of the village, screaming.

The entire night market became desolate and empty in a matter of seconds.

"Damn, this is the good life," said Suigetsu contentedly, licking his chicken bone. He was happy he finally got some chicken because for the past few nights, all he could think about was that chicken Sasuke had sliced. In that moment, he couldn't give a damn about animal rights.

"Isn't it?" Hidan agreed enthusiastically. He made a loud kissing sound as he sucked onto a rib bone. "Lord Jashin rewards those of us who do whatever it takes to get what we want, whether it's spare ribs or ditching the fucking Akatsuki.  _You_ should convert, seriously. I can't do a shit about all those heathen years, but your soul can just maybe be saved if you start now."

"Just tell me who to maim and kill," said Suigetsu chirpily.

They both continued strolling contentedly. Hidan commented on the smokiness of his spare ribs. Suigetsu talked about the tenderness of his chicken thighs. Hidan replied that his spare ribs could beat the ass of Suigetsu's chicken with their metaphorical hands tied behind their metaphorical backs. Suigetsu was about to flip Hidan off when suddenly, two masked men ran in front of them carrying a sack.

Everyone stared at everyone for a moment. Then –

"What the fuck?" said Hidan eloquently.

The two men dropped the sack. They immediately pulled out kunai and shuriken.

"Now that you've seen us we  _must_ eliminate you," one of the men intoned.

"There must be no witnesses to what we are doing," the other concurred.

"Just what the fuck are you assholes doing to begin with?" Hidan said bluntly.

They didn't reply. A cold wind blew over the four of them, making their hair ruffle. The scent of Hidan's spare ribs went away with the wind. So did the delectable aroma of Suigetsu's chicken.

Then kunais and shuriken came flying at Hidan and Suigetsu.

"Fuck." Hidan dropped the rib bone he had been holding and darted behind a bench by the side of the road. Suigetsu followed suit, although he continued sucking onto his chicken bone before discarding it.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" Suigetsu demanded of Hidan once they were both side-by-side behind the bench. "Aren't you Akatsuki? Aren't you  _immortal_? One kunai's not gonna do anything to you! Go slaughter them bastards!"

"Look, I don't wanna get more blood on my fucking pants, asshole." Hidan gestured at his blood-stained pants. "It's the only clean piece of clothing I've got, and you got blood on them when you slashed my chest, seriously. What about  _you_? You're fucking made of water!"

"I'm not  _made_ of water, dumbass, I can just turn myself  _into_  water! I can still die if I get injured!"

"We are missing nin, even more notorious than the Demon Brothers. You can't escape us," said one of the men, throwing more shuriken at them.

"Just give up your lives now. There is no use trying to save yourselves," said the other.

"Who the fuck are the Demon Brothers?" Hidan said to Suigetsu.

"Beats me. You're the one who was part of a criminal organisation, don't you guys have some sort of buddy-buddy underground network?" retorted Suigetsu.

He turned to the masked men. "Hey, we're missing nin, too! Why don't we all just stop throwing so many sharp things and just play nice?" As he said that, he slowly pulled out his giant sword. He bent his knees, preparing to spring out of the bench.

Then one of the men suddenly threw a  _Fuuma_  shuriken. It curved towards Suigetsu and Hidan. They both ducked back instinctively, easily avoiding the flying weapon.

There was a  _cling!_ as Hidan leaned back. The shuriken had hit against the rosary hanging on his neck, as it delayed in swinging backwards, like a heavy pendulum.

Hidan's eyes widened at the sound. There was a short moment of silence.

Then, a vein throbbed in his forehead. His face turned from white to puce.

With a yell that sounded like a deranged gorilla, he leapt out from behind the bench, pulling up his three-bladed scythe. Without any regard for the flying kunai and shuriken, he ran for the two masked men in an impeccably straight line, still letting out the animalistic howl.

"I'll send all your fucking asses to Lord Jashin! Fuck you all!"

The flying weapons buried themselves into his chest, but he kept at the straight line.

"Shit, fuck, he's not slowing down,  _he's-not-slowing-down_!" one of the men said, backing away quickly. Hidan was a nearly a metre away from him– he turned around, dropping his weapons and trying to flee. The other man did the same, letting out a mouse-like squeak.

But in the face of the gorilla-sounding Hidan, the men were no match for him. With one swing of his three-bladed scythe, their heads left their bodies. The heads remained in mid-air for a moment, then tumbled to the ground. They rolled around like two dice on a casino table.

Hidan stood over the heads, seething. "I hope Lord Jashin is flogging all your asses! I hope He's castrating you fucking bastards! Flaying your skins! Roasting your fucking asses and your fucking dicks! Roasting them like those spare ribs I had earlier!"

Blood was slowly flowing out of the headless bodies, which had flopped down like two lifeless fish. It flooded around Hidan like a red carpet of celebration. Suigetsu was staring at Hidan in awe. There was a dreamy haze in his eyes.

"Damn…" he said in a low voice. He sheathed his giant sword, then walked over to Hidan, who was still yelling out curses.

"Hidan, that was amazing!" said Suigetsu excitedly. "I personally would have hacked their bodies till you can't tell their heads from their ass holes, but that was  _so cool_!"

Hidan stopped cursing to give Suigetsu a strange look. "The fuck," he said incredulously. "Every believer of Lord Jashin knows that the hacking comes  _after_ the killing. Get your ritual procedure right, dumbass."

Suigetsu shrugged, then nodded with an amiable grin.

Hidan licked his scythe. He made a face. "Ugh, their shitty blood is just as shittily disgusting as their fucking heathen behaviour, seriously." Growling slightly, he pulled out the weapons still buried in his chest. Then he leaned down to wipe his scythe on the headless bodies clothed in shinobi fatigue.

Suddenly, they heard a grunt.

Hidan froze in his act. So did Suigetsu, who had still been nodding.

They both turned slowly to look at the abandoned sack just a few metres away from them. It had been silent up till just a moment ago.

It grunted again.

They both moved towards it, taking slow, deliberate steps. Suigetsu was unsheathing his sword again. They stopped in front of it, and Hidan lifted his scythe, preparing to stab the sack. He turned to Suigetsu with excited eyes.

"If it's a pig, we can have more spare ribs!"

Suigetsu shrugged. "Could be a chicken."

"Moron. Chickens don't fucking grunt. Pigs do, seriously."

The sack let out a low moan. Both Hidan and Suigetsu's eyes widened, and they turned back to look at it. Suigetsu stared at it, hard, drilling holes into it. Hidan licked his lips unconsciously.

Then the sack suddenly let out a string of curses. It shuffled, and rolled about, on the ground.

" _Fuck_  those  _assholes_ , fuck them and their fucking drugs and their fucking small heads only thinking about money, and their fucking small _dicks,_ refusing to fight a girl head-on…"

Hidan raised his eyebrows, impressed. It sounded like a girl who was in the sack, and she was still swearing continuously as she struggled and rolled about.

"Fuck this! Gaara and Kankurou won't even be expecting me because I stupidly had to go off on this stupid fucking shitty mission on my own…"

Hidan lowered his scythe. Suigetsu raised an eyebrow.

As the sack continued to shuffle about, the girl's swearing increased in volume. Eventually, Hidan couldn't help it. He released a low, impressed whistle.

The sack stopped moving at once.

Rolling his eyes, Suigetsu lifted his sword, then sliced open the edge of the sack. His sword cut clean through the thin material.

A few beats of silence passed.

Suddenly, a girl sprang out of the sack. She rolled on the ground, then turned around, fists in the air and poised for a fight.

Suigetsu and Hidan merely stared at the girl. Suigetsu gave her a once-over. She was unarmed and defenceless. Although if fierce expressions could kill, the deep scowl on her face would've sent him to Hidan's Lord Jashin immediately. Hidan himself would probably be lying on the ground, twitching and unable to die.

Suigetsu turned around and started walking away. "Come on, Hidan," he said with a bored tone. "Let's just go."

Hidan continued looking at the girl meditatively. The ferocity in her entire demeanour intrigued him a little. But then he turned around too. "Yeah…" He took a few steps and in a short moment was at Suigetsu's side. Both of them walked away, leaving the blonde girl behind.

Temari narrowed her eyes at the retreating backs of the two odd-looking shinobi in front of her. One of them was shirtless with blood-stained pants and a giant scythe. The other also had blood-stained clothes and a giant sword. Her fists tightened. She was still ever-ready to fight, and adrenaline was pumping through her veins. Her heart was pounding in her ears.

She had been on a B-ranked mission she volunteered to take on herself, saying to Gaara that she had needed a break from Suna. It had been a simple mission, merely escorting the Daimyo's daughter to her holiday villa in Takigakure. So simple she had completed it within three days.

As the Kazekage's sister, it was easy for her to make sure she got an undefined time period assigned for this mission. So that she could have her  _own_ holiday.

She had been eating in a small inn alone when the two masked men came in. She had given them a once-over, as her shinobi training instinctively told her to do. She knew at once that they had recognised her as the famous Kazekage's sister. But they were harmless. Not threatening in the slightest. She could flatten them in a second with her giant fan.

So she had let her guard down. When her soup arrived, it only took one sip for her to know immediately that it had been laced with a drug. She had turned around to face the men, drawing kunai and swinging up her giant fan. However, the drug they had laced her soup with was unique, and unusually potent.

She only managed to take three angry steps towards them before she crumpled to the ground. Her last thought was a rebuke towards herself, for forcing (and lightly threatening) Gaara and Kankurou not to disturb or worry about her on her "holiday".

And so now she was unarmed and weaponless in an unknown location, facing some unknown people.

She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. The men in front of her weren't totally unknown. They had struck her as slightly familiar.

She looked carefully at their faces in her mind once more. Trying to prod her memories, to remember who they were. Numerous faces and voices swirled in her mind as she dug deep into her memories.

Then realisation struck her.

Her eyes flew open. Her breathing started quickening rapidly. Her fists tightened even more.

The pretty boy was Hidan. He was part of  _Akatsuki_. Every single one of their fucking faces had been seared into her mind, ever since that incident with Gaara. She wouldn't have forgiven herself if she hadn't memorised all the bastards' faces.

And the other one was Suigetsu Hozuki. An Orochimaru affiliate. Recently spotted with Uchiha Sasuke. Both their faces were in every single bingo book, memorised by every competent shinobi. They were wanted criminals.

She took a deep breath, trying to even out her breathing.

She couldn't let them leave. She had to bring them back to Suna, to face judgment. To face  _her_ judgment.

She narrowed her eyes. "Wait," she called out to them. Her tone was even. Pleasant. Just the way her shinobi training taught her.

They paused in their walking. Both turned to face her.

Her heart was beating hard within her. She knew that one false step could get her killed. These were S-class missing nin, not the pathetic shinobi she commanded back in Suna.

Taking a deep breath, she said, "Tell me where I am." She winced inwardly. Her tone was gruff like it usually was, despite her best efforts to make it gentler. As gentle as it should be when approaching a wild and dangerous beast.

"Inaho Village," drawled Suigetsu, still sounding bored. He turned away from her. Hidan turned with him.

Thinking quickly, Temari hurriedly spoke up again, "Inaho Village, huh? I'm trying to get to Sunagakure. You guys know which direction it is?"

Every competent shinobi had to memorise the geography of every village, no matter how minor it was. It was mandatory for them to know the quickest way to get to every village, the most covert way, and the most convenient way. Temari knew that these missing nin would know this without a doubt. She hoped that they wouldn't suspect  _her_  strange behaviour.

"Don't ask me, I suck at directions," Suigetsu replied with a carefree shrug.

Temari felt her jaw nearly drop.

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "How the fuck would we know? Solve your problem yourself, girlie. I don't give a shit about Suna, seriously. All I know about it is that the 'sand gets into your fucking hair and messes it up a whole shitload till you're forced to wash it out ten to twenty times with lavender shampoo and lukewarm water'."

Suigetsu shot him a questioning look.

"Deidara," Hidan said simply. Suigetsu's look changed into one of realisation. He nodded in reply.

By this point, Temari's mouth had already fallen open. How could two dangerous missing nin be such complete dunces about the geography of the land? Usually, idiotic shinobi like these would have gotten slaughtered by bandits within seconds.

But it only enhanced the danger they posed, and thus the need for her to get them to Suna. No matter what it took. As they moved to turn away from her once again, Temari quickly said, "Why don't we head to Suna together? It'll be much easier to scout the land with all of our knowledge combined. We'll get there so quick, you wouldn't even realise we'd made the journey to begin with."

Hidan stared at her with wide, incredulous eyes. "Are you fucking deaf? Didn't you hear me, girlie? I don't wanna go to fucking Suna. It sounds like a shithole to me, seriously."

"Yeah. It sounds dry and desert-like. Not good for me at all," Suigetsu added.

"If you come with me to Suna, you'll be handsomely rewarded for escorting me there." Temari could hear the beseeching tone in her voice. She wished she could shove a kunai with an exploding note up both their asses instead. But she was a shinobi. Emotions were her playthings.

She quirked them a confident smirk. "I'm the Kazekage's sister. You'll get his eternal gratitude for sending me back safely."

To her great irritation, Suigetsu and Hidan remained decidedly unimpressed.

"Eh, I used to hang around Kages all the time." Hidan lazily picked his ear. "Well, maim them, usually. They all fucking deserved it. All of them with their big-ass heads, walking around like they had the biggest fucking dicks in the world. Even the women. Crazy bitches. Lord Jashin would thank me profusely for punishing the idiots in His stead, seriously."

"And Orochimaru used to act like a Kage so that counts for me too," Suigetsu piped up with a shrug. "Sasuke did as well. Yeah...basically, let's just say...I fucking hate Kages."

"Hell, me too! Lord Jashin should just burn the whole lot of them, seriously."

"They're worse than cockroaches," said Suigetsu, nodding gravely.

"Or fucking leeches," Hidan added as an afterthought.

Temari felt her eyebrow twitch. She would flog them, roast them and flay their skins for insulting Gaara and wishing him dead once they get back to Suna. For now, it was more important for her to convince them somehow.

"Imagine all the money you'll get," Temari coaxed. "Let me tell you, Gaara's loaded.  _Suna's_ loaded." She paused. "Everyone basically shits gold there," she added.

Hidan gave a slow and heavy nod. "Then all of you are going to get your asses eternally tortured by Lord Jashin once you all die, seriously," he said with finality.

Temari bristled. They were turning away from her again. She cast a panicked gaze around her surroundings. There had to be something. _Anything_ , to persuade them to come with her.

Her gaze fell on a few discarded animal bones. And an idea struck her.

"You know," she said loudly. "Suna's just  _full_ of spare ribs."

Hidan froze. Suigetsu had continued walking. But when Hidan stopped, he cast a curious gaze at him.

"The hell?" said Suigetsu confusedly.

"We have tons of chicken too," Temari added, spotting a few chicken bones. "Roast chicken, fried chicken, any sort of chicken you could want."

Suigetsu gave her an irritated gaze. "Hey girlie, I love chicken as much as the next person, but I hate the idea of sand getting into my hair even more." He elbowed his companion. "Right, Hidan? Hair messed up shitload? Lavender shampoo ten to twenty times?"

Hidan looked like he was struggling for a moment. Then he turned slowly to look at Temari. "Spare ribs?" he choked out. "You've seriously got spare ribs everywhere?"

" _Everyone_  shits spare ribs over there," said Temari gravely. "Even more than they do gold."

Hidan twitched slightly. His face contorted into various grimaces. Several minutes passed, during which Temari observed the facial acrobatics animatedly dancing across Hidan's face. Then, he turned to Suigetsu at last.

"Suigetsu. Remember what I said about Lord Jashin rewarding His followers for doing whatever it takes for what we want?"

"Yeah…" Suigetsu replied slowly.

"This is one of those instances," said Hidan in all seriousness. "Lord Jashin wants us to take this opportunity, seriously." He turned to Temari with a bright smile. "Okay! Let's get you to shitty old Suna!"

"What!" Suigetsu gaped. "Are you fucking kidding me? For  _spare ribs_?!"

"I never make jokes about Lord Jashin. It's finally reached the time my sacrifices are paying off. Kakuzu the asshole never let me have any spare ribs throughout my time with the Akatsuki, but now that I've ditched those fucking heathens, I'm getting my reward at last." Hidan started walking.

"Are you sure Lord Jashin won't mind us doing all this for spare ribs?" said Suigetsu, scrambling to follow Hidan. "Isn't it gluttonous?"

"Lord Jashin understands my love for spare ribs as much as He understands my love for Him," Hidan replied sedately. He turned his head to Temari.

"Come on, girlie! Do you want to get to your shitty village or not?" He grinned. "I can't fucking wait to see your brother. I'm sure he shits the biggest piece of spare ribs in the whole of Suna, seriously."


	3. Suigetsu, Hidan and Temari go shopping

Temari loved it whenever she got the chance to escape Suna. She loved Suna, but there was only so much one could take of sand. And she loved her brothers, but there was only so much of Gaara's stoicism and Kankuro's whininess she could take.

She breathed deeply, and relaxed slightly. Despite the fact she was escorting two S-class missing nin to Suna on a revenge mission, she enjoyed the greenery of the landscape. Except —

"Damnit!" Hidan screamed. "Suigetsu, stop fucking  _singing_!" Suigetsu stopped his loud, heartfelt rendition of a folk song abruptly.

"Why?" he slung an arm around Hidan, and sang loudly into his ear. Hidan screamed in frustration, and tried unsuccessfully to shove him off.

Hidan elbowed Suigetsu. Suigetsu clung tighter. Hidan shoved a hand on his face. Suigetsu sang louder through the muffle of Hidan's hand.

And Temari whacked them both on the head. "That's enough!" Damnit, she had not left her brothers to go on holiday for  _this_.

They both blinked at her. Temari continued her critical evaluation of them. At Hidan's shirtlessness, and his bloodstained pants. At Suigetsu's very eye-catching, distinct-looking giant sword, and his  _fangs_. She snapped her fingers.

"We need to put you both in disguise."

They blinked at her again. She frowned impatiently. "We're all shinobi, right? We know subterfuge and disguise. We can't be trekking with the both of you looking like  _this_. Everyone and their grandmothers who see us will remember us immediately."

Hidan looked offended. "I'm not taking fucking fashion advice from someone who ties two extra unnecessary pigtails." He crossed his arms over his bare chest.

Suigetsu nodded in agreement. "And who lugs around an impractically giant fan." He tucked his impractically giant sword behind his back.

Temari glared at them. "The Akatsuki went around with flowery cloaks!" she pointed at Suigetsu accusingly. "And you filed your teeth into  _fangs_. You guys aren't any more fashionable than I am!"

Hidan rolled his eyes, and raised his hands placatingly. "Okay, okay, I can't believe I'm saying this. But I'd rather we get a move on rather than argue about fashion okay?"

He turned to Suigetsu. "Let's just go along with this, alright? Seriously, I'd like some clean pants for once." He ignored Temari's added, " _And_ a shirt."

Suigetsu still looked offended. "My shirt matched my eyes," he gestured to his purple shirt. "I'm not moving until you say I'm not the fashion problem here." He stood his ground stubbornly.

Temari and Hidan exchanged glances. Then they grabbed him.

* * *

"Welcome to Ninja Warehouse. We have everything you need to create your ninja persona — eyepatches, hair dye, makeup, and more!"

Temari, Hidan and Suigetsu stared in awe at the rows of brightly coloured robes, bandages and fashion items. At the myriad of choices that awaited them.

"Hey, is this where your brother gets his eyeliner?" Hidan looked interestedly at the rows of makeup.

Temari whacked him upside the head. "Stop disrespecting him! It's not eyeliner, it's tattoos. He did it himself."

Suigetsu nodded approvingly. "Much more practical to tattoo, then he doesn't have to reapply every morning." Hidan and Temari peered curiously at him.

"Karin," Suigetsu rolled his eyes. "She was always going on and on about using my sword as a reflective surface for her makeup routine."

He fingered some hair gel. 'Super strong! Bloodproof  _and_  waterproof,' the label guaranteed exuberantly. "Hey guys, think I could style my hair like Sasuke's?"

Temari grabbed both of them by the elbows, the way she used to do with Kankuro ( _never_  Gaara) whenever they used to shop together.

"Let's start with  _clean_  and  _understated_ ," she muttered.

* * *

"Hey, heretics!" Hidan yelled excitedly. He gestured frantically for Temari to come over. She sighed resignedly, and left Suigetsu. She hoped he was sufficiently distracted choosing some accessories for his sword.

It was a little worrying, how much he treated that thing like a pet. Temari understood all about loving inanimate items (heck, she loved her fan too), but geez, there were  _some_  limits.

Temari sighed. "Aren't you supposed to be trying on pants?" she asked, annoyed. She was still irritated from the tussle she had with him, trying to make him put on a shirt. They had put the argument on hold for now, while Temari went to babysit — she meant, supervise — Suigetsu.

"Wouldn't these come useful in Suna?" he pointed excitedly at a row of dark sunglasses. "It's fucking sunny and hot there, right?"

Temari looked thoughtfully at them. Come to think of it, he was right. Why hadn't they thought about those before? They  _were_  going to a freaking desert. "Buy three pairs maybe?"

Hidan was triumphantly picking three pairs when he noticed something. He made a face. "Why the fuck are there  _bugs_  in this fucking shop?" he stepped on it, dedicating the death to Jashin-sama. He was reminded then that he needed to sacrifice someone soon, or Jashin-sama would be antsy.

"Geez, what kind of unhygienic shop is this?" she frowned, brushing another one away.

"Young man, you just killed my fashion consultant," an ominous voice sounded behind them. Temari jumped, and Hidan swore eloquently.

"An Aburame!" Temari stared curiously at the old man with dark glasses. "What are you doing so far away from Konoha?"

"And  _you_  are the Kazekage's sister," the old man evaded her question, his dark glasses glinting as he peered at her critically. Temari gulped as his gaze next flickered to Hidan. Before Temari could even telepathically send a message towards Hidan to 'shut the fuck up,'  _of course_ Hidan opened his mouth.

"Whoa, you're famous!" Hidan whistled as he nudged Temari. "Hey old man, do you know who  _I_  am?  _I'm_  fucking—" he was stopped by Temari's hand, slamming on his mouth.

"Aburame-san, I apologize for my companion's foul mouth! He is  _my_  fashion consultant," Temari forced a smile on her face. Before she could evade and escape, she felt Hidan's  _tongue_  licking her hand.

She stifled the urge to girlishly scream 'ew.' Instead, she whacked him hard. "What the fuck are you, five?!"

Hidan crossed his arms petulantly at her. "You fucking started it."

The old man was still gazing suspiciously at Temari, but then an arm suddenly slung around him. Suigetsu leaned against him as he used his  _giant_ , distinct sword to file his nails.

"You guys, I'm  _hungry_. Can we  _eat_  now?" The old man gaped at him. Then he looked at Hidan. Then he looked at Temari. Before he could say anything, Temari laughed, loudly and unnaturally. Hidan cringed at the pitch and volume from next to her.

" _There_  you are, Kankuro! Stop scaring Aburame-san like that!" she lowered her voice conspiratorily. "I'm sorry to startle you, Aburame-san. That's my brother, under a genjutsu. We're undercover. I hope as Suna's comrade, you would keep our secret."

The old man started nodding, understanding dawning. Then suddenly, he bowed to Hidan. "Kazekage-sama, I should have recognized you as well. It was no excuse, even if you are under a genjutsu."

Hidan blinked and opened his mouth, but Temari elbowed him hard. He coughed, then mumbled, "There is no problem. I hope you will remain discrete until we are done with this fuc—I mean, this mission." He nodded imperiously and patted the old man on the head.

The old man nodded vigorously. "I would like to invite you to my guesthouse. It would be an honour to treat the Kazekage and his siblings to a meal tonight."

Temari made to refuse, but Suigetsu nodded excitedly. "That'll be great! If you would pay for our things here too, Suna would greatly appreciate Konoha's help."

And so, Konoha ended up paying for the Kazekage's sister and two S-class criminals' fashion items.

* * *

"Damnit, put on a shirt!" Temari yelled.

"You can try to fucking  _make_  me!" Hidan yelled back.

"We're going to dinner!" Temari screamed.

"So? That guy thinks I'm the fucking Kazekage — I can do whatever I want!" Hidan screamed back.

"Guys, what if he fucking makes us eat bugs?!" Suigetsu shouted.

Temari pounced onto Hidan like a wildcat, shirt ready on hand. Hidan was ready for her, however, and rolled away. Temari activated a wind jutsu expertly and blew him back towards her. Hidan used his scythe to anchor himself amidst the force of the wind.

And Suigetsu conjured a tidal wave to douse them both. Both swearing profusely, they blinked at Suigetsu.

"Guys, dinner is in 10 minutes," Suigetsu said sensibly. Grumbling under her breath, Temari used another wind jutsu to dry them both.

"And what if he makes us eat bugs?" Suigetsu repeated. Unlike the others, he had his priorities.

This time, Temari and Hidan both bonked him on the head.

* * *

"And ever since then, wood termites have called Shino their Kami-sama," the old man shook with laughter at the conclusion of the umpteenth story on his beloved grandnephew, Aburame Shino.

Temari laughed politely, while eyeing Suigetsu's devouring of the soup disgustedly. She looked at Hidan, who was staring at the old man incredulously.

"That was the fucking weirdest story I've ever heard," he announced. "And I lived with the —" the word 'Akatsuki' was stifled as Temari shoved a spoonful of rice in his mouth.

She giggled politely. "Sorry Aburame-san, Gaara gets like this every time he has a little sake."

The old man just laughed heartily. "Don't worry about it. I just want to tell the Kazekage's sister what a wonderful person Shino can be. I want you all to become good friends with him."

Then he leaned towards Temari conspiratorily. "You know, Shino is at the right age to be married. He is the heir to the Aburame clan fortune, a great candidate to marry into royalty."

Temari choked on the mouthful of chicken she just took. Hidan turned to look at her, a slow smile of glee appearing on his face.

"Yeah sis," he nudged Temari. "As Kazekage-sama, I fully approve of the match." He nodded encouragingly at the old man. The old man looked delighted.

"In fact," Hidan continued, ignoring Temari's warning elbow digging into his side. "I can marry them! I am considered a priest, at least according to Jash—" another spoonful of rice was shoved into his mouth as Temari laughed her loud, unnatural laugh again. Suigetsu cringed from his continued slurping of his soup at the pitch and volume.

"Oh Gaara, I don't know what you're talking about. You're a Kazekage, but you can't just go around marrying people. You're  _not_  a priest, _remember_?" she gritted out. The old man looked slightly disappointed at the news.

Hidan blinked. "Oh, right." But he continued nodding gleefully at the old man. "But I still fully approve! Keep trying. Temari here  _is_  getting old, she needs to find a man soon."

Temari forced a smile, looking slightly maniacal as she shoved yet another spoonful of rice into Hidan's mouth. "Sorry, my brother seems incapable of eating on his own today. He's being so impolite, talking more than he should!"

The old man laughed assuringly. "I do hope you will consider Shino. He will get along wonderfully with the dust mite population you have in Suna. He has a wonderful way with any insects."

Temari's smile continued its manic look. "I am honoured. But marriage is something I am  _not_  planning to think about anytime soon." At least not until after she was done with her  _punishment_ towards Hidan and Suigetsu. Her list of things to judge them for was getting longer and longer.

* * *

"Ah, that was super satisfying!" Suigetsu patted his stomach contentedly. Next to him, Hidan hummed in agreement. "Where to next, gang?" Suigetsu chirpily asked.

Temari's eyebrow twitched. "We are going to Suna.  _No more distractions._ "

She looked around to force them to agree, but she was all alone. They were nowhere to be found.

She blinked at her surroundings. Nothing was around her but a couple of crickets chirping.

"Fuck," Temari said, succinctly. She always had a way with words.


	4. Religious Entanglements

Temari prided herself on never panicking. Calm head, cool heart, she told herself. Being the sister of a (former) maniacal killer like Gaara and (perpetually) rowdy airhead like Kankuro, her best trait was her ability to keep calm in any situation.

But still — fuck Hidan, fuck Suigetsu, fuck this entire revenge mission…Temari let out another stream of curse words. Then she stopped, starting to worry that hanging around crude, crass boys like Hidan and Suigetsu for that short time was influencing her for the worst. Not that swearing was the least of the sins she should be worried about, what with all their maiming and killing.

Temari bit her lip as she scanned her surroundings. Besides a few scandalized-looking civilian passers-by, there was a distinct absence of one even fouler-mouthed, shirtless asshole and his fishlike, obnoxiously mischievous companion.

Temari raised her eyebrows as her eyes landed on a pair of giant, distinct weapons. No one else was insane enough to carry a giant scythe, and Suigetsu's giant sword was unmistakable.

"What the fuck?" Temari stared. What the hell had happened to them?

* * *

" _They made me leave my sword_ ," Suigetsu hissed to Hidan. "I'm going to kill everyone here  _and_ their families." His voice turned to a whine. "My  _sword_ …"

"Shut the fuck up," Hidan shoved Suigetsu disgruntledly. "I don't have my scythe either." Then he shoved him again. "Who the fuck walks into a summoning jutsu trap without realizing it? Were you even Orochimaru's man?"

Suigetsu made a face at him. "You walked into it  _with_ me. And you were fucking  _Akatsuki_. You don't deserve to talk to me about that."

"Kami-sama, we have been expecting you. We are honoured by your presence."

Suigetsu and Hidan jumped. They stared at the man addressing them. He was dressed in long, flowing blue robes. A crown was perched on his head.

"You're dressed funny," Suigetsu pointed out bluntly. The man jumped, and looked abashed.

"I apologize, Kami-sama. I had been assured by Ninja Warehouse that these were the appropriate clothes for priests. Were they wrong?"

Hidan interrupted slowly. "Waaaiiit. What the fuck did you call him?"

The man blinked. "Kami-sama. We have been expecting you for weeks. You're late."

Hidan took a deep breath, and began his tirade. "You heathen assholes are fucking insane, seriously. Kami-sama? The fuck? You —" but before he could continue, Suigetsu stopped him with a punch to the mouth.

"I apologize on behalf of my attendant," Suigetsu began smoothly. "He messed up the er, scheduling of our arrival. Good assistants are so hard to find nowadays, am I right?"

The priest hurried to agree. "Kami-sama, we have prepared some sacrificial items in preparation for you. Would you like to see them now?"

Suigetsu tapped his chin analytically. "What do you want in return?" He ignored Hidan's furious hiss towards him that "Jashin-sama was going to burn him in hell if he continued with these fucking heathen practices." He was impressed at Hidan's discretion, however — it  _had_ been a long hiss, and yet the priest had not realized.

"We have been suffering drought for some weeks," the priest explained. "Then a few weeks ago, a wise man passed through here. He gave us these mystical papers, and said Kami-sama would arrive if we placed them here, to give us rain."

Hidan stared. Then he snapped his fingers. "Did this wise man look fucking ugly?" The priest looked apologetic. "I'm sorry, Kami-sama's attendant. Could you be more specific?"

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Did he look like a fucking shark?" The priest looked even more apologetic this time. "I don't like to say…"

Hidan elbowed Suigetsu. "So fucking Kisame decided to play a prank on some fucking village hicks. That's just like him!"

Suigetsu's eyes widened. "Hoshigaki Kisame plays pranks on civilians?" He brightened. "As expected of senpai! All the more a worthy candidate for me to kill him."

But Hidan ignored him, striding up to the priest and poking him in the chest. "Listen asshole, I only have two demands. First, let me see your sacrificial items. Secondly, let me talk to everyone. I have a better god than your lameass Kami-sama for you guys to believe in, seriously."

Suigetsu walked his best impression of a Kami-sama's imposing walk and tapped Hidan on the shoulder. "Attendant, what are you doing?"

In a low whisper, he hissed, "Shouldn't we be trying to get back to my fucking sword?" Despite the situation, he was proud of himself. He was starting to get the hang of all this discreet hissing.

Hidan hissed back. "I get a whole fucking village to convert to Jashinism. I'm not leaving yet. If you participate, we're  _both_  guaranteed salvation, let me tell you."

Suigetsu hissed in turn, "But what about my  _sword_?"

Just then, the priest hissed apologetically into their conversation, "Kami-sama, are you going to give us rain anytime soon?" Suigetsu and Hidan jumped.

Hidan patted the man on the back reassuringly. "If you convert to Jashinism, you will get things  _much_  better than fucking rain, let me assure you." The man brightened. Hidan brightened with him. Suigetsu hung his head.

He never thought he would think this, but he hoped Temari would find them soon.

* * *

"Miss, do you need any help?" an unfortunate passerby lacked the sense to feel the anger emanating from Temari as she dragged the sword along the road, scythe strapped to her back.

"Do I  _look_  like I want help?" Temari spat bitterly. The passerby gave quick glances at the weapons she was dragging, then thought better.

Temari nodded approvingly as she watched him flee. She was used to the weight of her giant fan. Having one more additional giant weapon was a chore, but she would deal.

Dealing with a missing Hidan and Suigetsu, however, now  _that_  was a fucking chore. She had examined her surroundings, and all she found was the traces of a water elemental summoning jutsu.

As she spotted an izakaya by the side of the road, an idea came to her. In any village, the local tavern was the best way to find some news.

A shirtless prettyboy and a fanged teenager stuck out quite a bit. Temari hoped there would at least be  _one_  person who had noticed them somewhere.

Because Kami-sama help her if she could not find them, damnit.

* * *

"Damnit Hidan, I was literally a fucking  _god_! And now you're stealing the limelight with your Jashin-sama," Suigetsu whined petulantly.

"Seriously shut the fuck up, Suigetsu," Hidan said as he rearranged the rosary beads on his chest for the umpteenth time. "Let  _me_  do the talking."

Suigetsu leapt onto Hidan's back, and started using the rosary beads to choke him. "This is all your fault! Now my sword is all alone with scary Temari!"

Hidan flailed his arms wildly, but Suigetsu only became jelly-like to avoid him. Hidan flipped Suigetsu over him. Suigetsu wobbled as he hit the ground, but rolled expertly away as Hidan charged at him, yelling at the top of his voice.

"Kami-sama!" the priest looked scandalized. Suigetsu froze from where he had been threatening to spill Hidan's blood onto his clean pants yet again. Hidan froze from where he was threatening to spill Suigetsu's jelly-fucking-guts onto his pants for all he fucking cared.

Suigetsu smiled innocently. "Apologies, devotee. I was merely disciplining my attendant here." The priest edged away. If that was how Kami-sama 'disciplined' his devotees, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to worship him. Maybe Jashin-sama  _would_  be a better god to worship.

Hidan forced a manic smile on his face. "Is everyone ready to see us?" It was time to be Jashin-sama's best devotee.

* * *

"Fuck," Temari swore. It really was getting to be a bad habit, this swearing of hers. But she felt fully justified this time. After all —

"It was a fucking bullseye!" Temari yelled into the sake-tinged breath of her biggest competitor, a burly man. She was a kunoichi for fuck's sake.

The man waved his hand at the target board. Temari's shuriken were all neatly dead centre, but he shook his head stubbornly. "It's not a bullseye unless I  _say_  it's a bullseye."

Temari hung her head. She should have known better than to challenge a  _drunk_  man to a throwing competition. Still, she needed information. And drunk burly man or not, he had taunted Temari on knowing something she didn't. She  _had_  to know if it had been about Hidan and Suigetsu.

Suddenly, a man rushed into the izakaya. "Kami-sama is here!" he yelled, excitedly. "He's addressing everyone in the main square!"

Temari blinked. Cheers and roars arose all around her in the bar, and everyone started trying to trample over her as they all rushed towards the exit. Whipping out Hidan's scythe and Suigetsu's sword, she wielded both threateningly. Immediately, the crowds gave her a wide berth, a circle forming around her as they moved past her.

She nodded in approval, grimly satisfied. It did not feel as good as her giant fan, but it was still comforting to have giant weapons in hand.

Then she registered what the random guy had said. "Kami-sama…?" Temari frowned. It sounded too suspiciously like Hidan for her not to check it out.

* * *

"Heathens!" Hidan roared. The crowd roared approvingly back. Suigetsu raised his eyebrows.

"Heretics!" Hidan roared. The crowd roared even more ecstatically. Suigetsu shook his head.

"Assholes!" Hidan roared. The crowd started murmuring among themselves, puzzled. Then a slightly uncertain, half-hearted roar arose. Suigetsu hung his head.

"The Kami-sama you have here is a pathetic asswipe, seriously!" Hidan declared. Suigetsu was impressed despite himself, and almost nodded along with the insult towards him. Hidan was a talented public speaker.

"Rain? Good crops? All those things are fucking overrated!" Hidan yelled. "The only true fate you want is to aspire to reach Jashin-sama!"

"How do we do that, Attendant-sama?" the priest called out. "Tell us!"

Hidan nodded. "I've been waiting for you to ask that. First, you need a proper sacrifice, not those wimpy-ass goats you have there." He gestured accusingly at the goats blinking at him. Suigetsu was holding them by their ropes.

"We got those goats from Ninja Warehouse! Those fraudulent assholes!" the priest yelled. Suigetsu raised his eyebrows. It really was impressive, how contagious Hidan's swearing was.

Hidan's eyes started taking on a manic glint. "Instead— give me...a maiden!"

A hush arose in the crowd. Everyone looked at everyone. Then everyone avoided everyone's gaze.

"I volunteer!" The relief in the crowd was palpable.

Hidan turned, the manic grin still on his face. "Excellent—" his voice cracked and died.

A scarily stiff smile cracked Temari's face as she looked at Hidan and Suigetsu. "Missed me, boys?"

Suigetsu squeaked.

* * *

"You can't just go around kidnapping people's Kami-samas!" the priest yelled at Temari as she dragged Suigetsu and Hidan away by their ears. The crowd was blinking in confusion.

"Oh yeah? Try and fucking  _stop_ me," Temari hissed threateningly. The scythe glinted at her back, and Suigetsu's sword gleamed.

The priest gulped. "But  _you're_  the sacrifice! What would Jashin-sama think?" Temari was impressed at his lack of self-preservation instincts.

"Tell you what," she brandished Suigetsu as he wobbled in her grasp, wailing in pain. "He'll give you rain.  _Now_  will you shut up?"

The priest blinked.

* * *

"Temari, you will rot in Jashin-sama's fury for eternity, for what you did today," Hidan announced. "You just stole a whole village of potential Jashinists."

Temari rolled her eyes, and twitched Hidan's scythe away from him as he reached longingly for it. "I'll take my chances. No scythe for you until you say you're sorry. It was fucking annoying trying to get to you guys."

Suigetsu was whispering comforting words to his sword, while he polished it lovingly. Temari had passed it to him eventually, his whining having finally broken her down. "I think I'm a way better Kami-sama, anyway. Not to mention I created that cool new rain-dance for the village." He smiled chirpily. "I think I may have just founded my own religion."

Hidan glared at Suigetsu. "You will be punished for what you did, too," he shook his head. "Emulating a god. I'm not sorry for your fates at all, seriously. You guys fucking deserve everything coming to you."

Temari just smiled serenely, twirling Hidan's scythe expertly and primly. She still missed her fan, but she could get used to a giant scythe.


	5. Suigetsu, Hidan, Temari and Debt

The day started like it normally would for the three shinobi. A swear word from one of them.

"Shit."

Temari and Suigetsu looked over to Hidan with curiosity. He was staring at a scroll that had been carried over by a summoning animal. It was a puppy. An absolutely adorable puppy. It would've been cuter, if it hadn't urinated right onto Hidan's scythe.

Surprisingly, though, Hidan didn't react at all. He was still gaping at the scroll. The puppy continued happily marking its territory on the three-bladed weapon.

Suigetsu, ever the curious one, went over to Hidan to peer at the scroll. His jaw dropped when he saw it.

Then Temari, seeing this, went over. And her mouth fell open too. She turned to hit Hidan on the shoulder.

" _Kyuusai Bank?!_ You owe a debt of more than 60 million  _ryou_  to Kyuusai Bank of all places? Are you fucking insane?!"

She continued hitting him repeatedly on the shoulder. He didn't react to her— he was still dumbstruck, staring at the scroll.

Kyuusai Bank was a bank that lent to all the nine major countries and most of the minor ones. It stood tall over all the nations, like a nagging giant with a wagging finger and a disapproving frown. The giant would trample over anyone and rip them into little pieces, and then into even smaller pieces, if you owed them a debt and couldn't repay it. No one could run away from them, least of all three scruffy shinobi who merely fell in together out of a fluke.

Temari stopped hitting Hidan on the shoulder to grab his neck (the lack of a shirt meant that she had no collar to hold). She started shaking him back and forth.

"You stupid piece of shit! You just painted a bull's eye on all of us! We're going to be hunted down, then chopped into minced meat, and then baked into pies!"

She released his neck to run her fingers through her four short ponytails. The look of horror was still on her face. "Or worse— a torture we can't even imagine!" The various atrocities Gaara had inflicted onto his many victims started running through her mind.

Suigetsu closed his mouth. He leaned around Hidan to peer at the back of the scroll. "Hey, look! There's writing over here."

Temari stopped panicking to look at the writing. The three of them leaned over the scroll to read it.

 

' _Fuck you, Hidan! This is for abandoning me and the Akatsuki! All of our debt is now passed on to you, you piece of ass-wiping $hit. HA. HA. HA!_

_Hope you're rotting in some fucking desert somewhere._

_Best regards, Kakuzu.'_

 

Several beats of silence passed. Then—

Both Temari and Suigetsu lunged for Hidan's neck. But before they could get a hold of him, he sprang out of the rock he had been sitting on.

A vein bulged on his forehead. He threw the scroll onto the ground and started jumping on it, yelling out curses all the while.

"You fucking assholes! You shitty heathens and your obsession with money! Hah! Try to get some money out of me  _now_! Your fucking bill is now unrecognisable!"

He grabbed his urine-covered scythe and started slicing the crumpled scroll on the ground. After that he picked it up and ripped it into even smaller pieces. Then he jumped on them again.

Temari and Suigetsu merely stared at Hidan. After a few moments, Suigetsu spoke up.

"You know, I don't think debt works that way, Hidan. Just because you rip the bill into shreds doesn't mean it goes away."

Hidan looked at Suigetsu for several long moments. Then he turned to look at the puppy which had brought the bill. He stepped menacingly towards it, lifting his scythe. The puppy merely tilted its head, wagging its tail as Hidan moved closer and closer with the puppy's own territorial marker.

Rolling her eyes, Temari grabbed Hidan's wrist before he could swing the scythe. "Stop that, Hidan. Killing the summoning animal won't do anything either, okay."

Hidan turned to Temari with wide eyes. "But—"

"You're just going to have to try to pay back this amount," said Temari firmly. "We don't want you to be a puppy-killing, shirtless, religious man with a three-bladed urine-covered scythe, who is millions in debt. That's just  _too_ much stuff, dear god."

"Jashin," Hidan said automatically.

"Whatever." Temari rolled her eyes and let him go.

Hidan swung his scythe over his back. The puppy sat down and started licking its privates, unaware of what had just happened. With a sigh, Hidan said, "So what should we do?"

"Solve the problem yourself, geez. This is  _your_ fault to begin with." Temari sat down on a rock and started inspecting her nails. She only looked up to pin Hidan with a glare. "But you'd  _better_ solve this before we get to Suna. I'm not bringing your calamities back home."

"I don't give a fuck about Suna," said Hidan immediately. "And anyway, doesn't your brother shit gold? Just let  _him_ handle this, seriously."

Temari smiled. It was a dangerous smile, reminding both Hidan and Suigetsu of a black widow. "Hidan," she said sweetly. "If you don't pay back this amount before we get to Suna, I'll do  _unspeakable_ things to your scythe."

"Go ahead, I don't give a rat's ass about it," Hidan replied.

"Then I'll do it to your rosary," was Temari's immediate retort. Hidan's eyes widened and a look of horror came over his face.

"You  _wouldn't._ Seriously, Lord Jashin would send you through the seven circles of Hell, then create even more just to torture you! You wouldn't fucking dare to risk that."

"I would," Temari said calmly. "I'll just give the middle finger to your Lord Jashin, then do unspeakable things to him too."

A strangled sound, which sounded like a distraught pig, came out of Hidan's throat.

Suigetsu scratched his head. "Is it just me, or did that just sound fucking hot?"

Silence.

Then both Hidan and Temari turned to look at him. Hidan's look slowly changed, turning business-like. He grabbed Suigetsu by the collar.

"Suigetsu. You're going to help me with this."

Suigetsu yelped. "Shit, no! Piss off! I'm not going to help you with fucking  _Kyuusai._ I like all my limbs, okay?!"

"You'll do it," said Hidan serenely. "You'll do it, because if not, I'll do everything Temari does to my rosary to your sword. Every. Single. Fucking. Thing." He paused to move even closer to Suigetsu's face. "...Seriously."

And so, Suigetsu let out the distraught pig sound too.

The puppy looked up from its privates at the sound, and whined questioningly.

* * *

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"This is the only thing I can think of, seriously. Stop judging me, asshole."

"You're kidding me, aren't you?  _Please_ tell me you're kidding me."

"I'm fucking not! Seriously, where else can you find a shitload of money in one go, huh? Tell me if you know. Tell me right now!"

"Uh...yeah...you're right that this place would  _definitely_ hold money. But still...it sounds like an  _awfully_ shitty joke. Robbing a bank...to pay back a bank?"

Suigetsu and Hidan looked at the building. There wasn't much to look at. The paint on the walls was peeling, revealing termite-riddled wooden walls. The glass windows were all broken, with holes on them. To top it off, there was a pile of cow dung at the corner of the building.

But the sign in front of the building was undeniable. 'Houfu Na Bank'. Or rather, 'Rich Bank'. Despite the dilapidated look of the sign — it was peeling and dangling off the ceiling beams — the meaning of the name could not be refuted. If they wanted money, this was the place for it.

Suigetsu turned to Hidan. "So? What's the plan?"

Hidan shrugged. "We'll go in, I'll wave my scythe…" he jerked his head at Suigetsu's sword, "...you'll wave your sword, we'll swear a lot, everyone will run away and then all the money's free for us to grab. Easy as fuck, seriously."

Suigetsu nodded contemplatively. "It  _does_ sound easy. That's what usually happens wherever we go anyway."

"Exactly! Now let's go."

Turning up their swagger, they both stepped into the bank, waving their giant weapons.

"Okay, everyone get down!" yelled Suigetsu, swinging his giant sword.

Hidan ducked as the sword nearly incapacitated his head. Then he said, "Yeah, listen to that dumbass over there!" Ignoring Suigetsu's "hey!", he went on, "If you disobey, all of you fuckers will be sent to my Lord Jashin before any of you can even say 'Fuck' or 'Shit' or 'I wish I said goodbye to my fucking cat before I left the house, seriously—"

Before he could finish the sentence properly, everyone started screaming. Then a crowd started running past them out the front door where they just entered.

Hidan grinned amidst all the commotion. "See, Suigetsu?  _That's_ how you get shit done, seriously."

"Good to know," said Suigetsu, nodding mockingly. "But tell me, how the hell are we gonna know where the money's at?"

Hidan blinked. "Uh…"

He started looking around— up, down, left and right. Finding no visible signs that glaringly said 'money' anywhere, he looked towards the crowd of people still running past him, and reached into the mass of people. Then he plucked a man out of the crowd.

"Here," said Hidan, plonking the man between them. "We'll ask him."

The man started squealing. "Please don't kill me,  _please don't kill me_! I don't have any money, I don't know where any money is!" He whimpered.

Then his eyes widened, trying to put on an expression of innocence. "I don't even know what money  _is_! What is money? Is it something you can eat? Is it something you can play with? Is it something you can—"

Suigetsu bonked the man at the back of his head. The man crumpled to the floor. He turned to glare at Hidan. "Idiot! You grabbed the wrong guy! Let  _me_ handle this…"

He reached into the crowd and pulled out another man. This time, the man was dressed in a buttoned-down formal shirt. He started cowering before the two giant-weapon wielders.

"Please, spare me! I'll show you where everything's at! Just don't kill me, please!"

Suigetsu turned to Hidan and smirked infuriatingly. "Now,  _this_ is how the shit gets done." He scoffed. "And you call yourself ex-Akatsuki. Looks like Hebi is way better at this shit, even if we did have an insane leader."

Hidan rolled his eyes, and whacked Suigetsu's head. "Shut the hell up. Let's just get this over with. I'm fucking tired of being here already, seriously." He turned to the man, and opened his mouth to speak.

"So here's how the shit is going to go. Number one. You take us to the money."

The man nodded vigorously.

"Number two. You let us take the money."

The man nodded vigorously, again.

"Number three—"

"Number three." A new voice rang out. A new, and  _familiar_ voice. Suigetsu and Hidan's eyes widened.

They turned to see Temari walking towards them, eyes glinting. "Just what the hell are both of you doing."

They both started talking.

"It was Hidan's fault, Temari, blame him—"

"The fuck! Suigetsu was the one who grabbed this random guy, seriously, I had no part—"

"Temari-sama!" The aforementioned 'random guy' spoke up with a gasp. He prostrated himself in front of Temari.

Temari blinked. So did Hidan and Suigetsu. Several seconds of silence passed.

Then Hidan broke into a cheeky grin. He elbowed Temari. "Yet again, another idiot recognises you! Seriously, you're so fucking famous!"

"Shut up." Temari irritatedly shoved off Hidan's elbow, and looked down at the man. She pointed her forefinger at him. "Get up," she ordered him. "Explain yourself. How do you recognise me?" It wouldn't be good if too many people knew her. She was travelling with two S-class wanted criminals after all. They just became even more notorious, what with this high-profile bank robbery.

The man looked up, his mouth slightly open. "Everyone knows you and your brothers, Temari-sama. The three of you are renowned in these parts. There is the red-headed Kazekage, noble and regal, who can crush bad guys like them—" the man gestured to Suigetsu and Hidan, "—with merely a closed fist, the tattooed puppeteer Kankurou, who can kill bad guys like them—" the man gestured to them again, "with a swipe of his puppets, and then you, Temari-sama."

The man smiled broadly. "The beautiful blonde kunoichi, who can flatten bad guys like them—" once more, he gestured at Suigetsu and Hidan, "—with one giant sweep of her giant fan, one kick of her shapely legs, one punch from her graceful arms, one headbutt from her glorious head—"

"Okay, I get your point," said Temari quickly, cutting him off. Hidan's grin was steadily getting wilier as the man droned on. The man kept bowing to Temari.

He kept bowing until she tried to grab his head to just  _make him stop,_ and then Hidan suddenly slung an arm around her. The man stopped bowing to gape at the pair.

Immediately, Temari gripped Hidan's fingers so hard she was sure she broke them. Hidan kept his arm around her, however. He gave a slightly constipated grin at the man.

"So...aren't you a fucking big fan of my boss over here," said Hidan, jerking his head at Temari.

The man's mouth remained open. "B-boss…?"

"Yup!" Hidan said cheerfully. He gestured at Suigetsu. "That's our grunt monkey. Fucking prick, seriously."

"Hey!" Suigetsu protested.

"Hidan," said Temari, trying to be patient. She had already broken all the fingers in his hand, but somehow, he could tolerate the pain. "What the fuck are you saying?"

The man had turned white. He winced at Temari's foul language. "U-um...forgive me, Temari-sama. I had no idea...that the beautiful kunoichi of the Sand and mistress of the winds had become a crime boss."

Temari's jaw dropped.

The man looked unbearably sad. He pulled out a napkin to dab at his eyes, muttering, "Such a waste...a lady with such beauty and skill, ending up leading two buffoons like these…"

Suigetsu raised his sword threateningly, but Hidan interjected with a forced smile. "So since Temari is our crime boss and everything, why don't you just be a good little fucker and go grab our money, okay?"

After the man nodded reluctantly, Hidan went on, "Bring everything, alright? I need every fucking  _ryou_ you got right now."

The man left to collect their money. Dead silence fell on the three of them. Temari turned, slowly, to face Hidan.

"I'm your  _crime boss,_ huh, Hidan?"

Hidan tried to take his arm off Temari but she was clinging to his broken fingers so tightly he couldn't extricate his arm off her. "Well, yeah! You're so fucking famous, we might as well use that fame for something useful, seriously. At least we got that dumbass to do all the work now."

"Yeah, but 'crime boss'? ' _Crime boss'_?" She started kicking him with her "shapely legs", punching him with her "graceful arms", headbutting him with her "glorious head"—

"You better thank your stupid Jashin that you're immortal, Hidan! You ruined my reputation  _and_ my brothers' in these parts! What will they say once we get back to Suna? I'm going to do unspeakable things to you, right now…"

Both of them continued tussling while Suigetsu merely looked at the man who had crumpled earlier onto the floor with a sigh.

"Seriously…" he muttered to the unconscious man. "Am I the only one who thinks that sounds fucking hot?"

* * *

After the robbery of Houfu Na/Rich Bank, Temari and her two buffoon minions became well-known among these parts as 'The Gentle Criminals'. People praised the peaceful resolution, how the foul-mouthed trio were able to evacuate all the innocents with a few choice words, and how all it took was a gentle conversation with the bank's employee for the crime to take place. It became recorded in the books of the corrupt, as an exemplary behaviour of how to incorporate Sun Tzu's principle of 'subduing the enemy without violence' into one's underground criminal activities.

Thankfully for Hidan, that man had just enough  _ryou_ to cover his debt to Kyuusai Bank. Hence 'The Gentle Criminals' continued their journey to Suna, massacring Temari's reputation with every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would be very much appreciated! :D

**Author's Note:**

> I am a new writer, so I would really appreciate reviews! I would love to know what you liked or didn't like about this story so far. Thank you! :)


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